I have repeatedly asked each of my pets to please die at home in their sleep. No matter how much I would prefer this type of death, none of my pets to date has been able to comply with my request. The death of a pet is difficult enough without having to take on the role of judge and executioner. But that's what I've had to be for each of them.
Inevitably, each of my previous dogs and cats, has suffered some disease or illness which has forced me to examine his or her quality of life and decide if it's time to get the vet involved. I try to wait as long as I can, but eventually they show me that it's time to say goodbye. For Spanky, it was her advanced years and the vet wanting to open her up to see what was wrong after 24 hour stay (and $1100 + bill) at the emergency facility. They'd shaved her in several areas, poked her with needles, put tubes down her, scoped her, x-rayed her, and made other attempts to find out what was wrong, but couldn't figure it out. She'd been in a small cage overnight and was trembling when I saw her. When I'd rescued her seven years previously, she'd been in a kennel for over a month and had licked all the hair off her paws and beat her tail on the floor until the hair was missing. She was neurotic when I took her home from the kennel, and I worried that the night in the cage brought back bad memories. I regretted having left her at the emergency clinic overnight after seeing how scared she was. And I believed that whatever was wrong was major, and that given her advanced years, the kindest thing would be to have her put to sleep. And so I did. They let me visit with her before they came into the room, and I stayed with her while they injected her and she faded away. As she was fading, I continued to tell her what a good girl she was and that I loved her, all the while crying. It never gets any better no matter how many animals you have to put to sleep; it just gets more familiar.
For Koa and Jessie, the end came a month apart. Jessie, a black Lab, had spinal problems and could no longer walk at the age of eleven; and Koa, an Akita, had bad hips and could no longer walk at the age of twelve. The vet, who is a mobile vet, had been coming to give Jessie shots to help her spinal problem, but eventually the drug stopped working. While Jessie was never fond of his visits, watching her try to crawl away from him as he inserted the needle was really heartbreaking this final time. Koa was sitting on the floor on a quilt I'd made (which he was buried in) and was put to sleep there. It seemed to take forever for him to die, but I think it was my emotions that made time stand still. Although it was nice not having to take them to a vet's office to be put to sleep, I've since had to take several pets to an office to be put down and I now prefer it. I think that's because it seemed to be less traumatic and go a bit smoother in the vet's office. When my dogs were put to sleep at home, the vet and the dog and I were all on the floor which was awkward. I also didn't like taking the role of the vet tech and holding the animal still. One aspect I liked was that other pets I had were able to sniff their buddy after he'd died, which seemed better than the animal just never coming home from the vet's. In the vet's office, I was able to leave the room while they inserted the IV and gave the initial sedative. (Being phobic about needles, this was especially helpful for me.)
Some people can't bear to be with their pets while they are being put to sleep. As difficult as it is, I feel that I owe it to them to be present and to let them know how much they added to my life. It's a heartwrenching event, but after all they've done for me, it's the least I can do for them.
After the pet dies, you will need to decide what you're going to do with the body. Will you bury the remains or have the pet cremated? If cremated, will you let the facility dispose of the ashes or do you want them back? If you get them back, where will you keep them? It's best to make these decisions before the animal dies, because you won't be in a good frame of mind to make decisions after he dies; at least not right after he dies.
What sort of emotions will you feel before and after your pet dies? I think putting the pet to sleep is fraught with more emotions, or at least different ones, than if the pet dies naturally. For me, there was some guilt and there were some questions. Was it the right time, or should I have waited longer? Did I wait too long and let him suffer more than he needed? It's impossible to know the perfect time to put a pet to sleep, and you shouldn't second guess your decision after the fact. Sometimes, you can tell it's time if there are signs that your pet isn't enjoying life: he won't eat or drink, won't play, can't move, and other indications of no quality of life. Sometimes, your pet will rally and you'll see improvements, but in many cases, this is just temporary. If you really can't decide what to do, talk to your vet. He or she should have a much better idea of whether the pet will improve or not.
After your pet is gone, you will grieve and rightly so. Don't let people tell you you shouldn't be sad just because the loss involved an animal and not a human. For many people, pets are part of the family and we feel like parents to them. They are like surrogate children to us. They are friends that offered unconditional love to us. They greeted us, played with us, slept with us, amused us, protected us, accepted us, and we built our routines around them. Of course we miss them and are sad that they are no longer in our lives.
I would ask that you not allow this sadness to inhibit you from getting another pet when you're ready. I've heard so many people vow to never get another animal because their sadness was so overwhelming. I know it's hard and I remember how painful it is. But there are so many animals in need of good homes with loving people to care for them. And the benefits of having a pet are so numerous and override any negatives that their loss brings. We owe it to them to give them a good life no matter how long or short.
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23 comments:
thankyou so much for this page, i have just lost my dog MOJO after 9 years and though he seemed on the road to recovery, he suddenly died quite unexpectedly.
I am completely devastated and can't think of anything else.
your words have given me some comfort as i wait for the return of his ashes.
thank you
jo
thank you so much for this blog.
I have just lost my beautiful dog Mojo after 9 years and i am completely devastated.
He rallied after his diagnosis(enlarged heart) and we thought we had a lot more time, but, it was only a week and he died so suddenly at home.
As I am waiting for the return of his precious ashes, your words have given me some much needed comfort. It is so lonely in my house and it's not like home anymore.
thank you
jo
Jo,
I am so sorry to hear of the death of Mojo. I know you are feeling terrible now and I hope good memories of Mojo help you through these hard times. If you ever want to "talk" about it, feel free to send me an e-mail at www.spiritremains.com.
Nancy
Thank you so much.
Tomorrow morning I am putting down my cat who I've had my entire life. I know it's his time to go, and I've been so blessed to have his this long, but nothing seems to make it easier.
Your words, however, are a comfort.
Erica,
I understand what you're going through and am so sorry. I'm sure you gave your cat a wonderful life and hope you take comfort in that. Take care of yourself during this hard time and feel free to contact me at spiritremains@aol.com if you want to talk.
Nancy
To the previous posts, my sincere condolences. I too had to put my cat to sleep 2 days ago due to a brain tumor. The loss is devastating. Please know I feel what you are going through. Someone said to me yesterday that “I should be grateful it was only an animal and not a human”. It made me realize even more that my grief is my own and not to be shared. I tell myself that I don't need to ask for approval to mourn for my pet nor must I justify my feelings to anyone. I take heart heart in that we are the fortunate ones to have had the privilege to have felt that unconditional bond with four a legged foe, and that the comfort and joys we found in the companionship with our pet is a blessing not given to everyone.
I'm less than a week away from my first "final vet appointment" for my cat Murphy, who is just shy of 18. I got her at 12 weeks and she has been my staunch ally through everything over the past 18 years, my little furry rock. I've never come home to my own apartment or home, since leaving university, without her there to greet me. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I cried while reading but your words did help. Thank you.
Lorelei,
I am truly sorry for your impending loss. Eighteen years is a long time to live with your little buddy and I know your loss will be difficult. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and let time help you heal. Things will get better and the pain won't be as sharp, but it will take some time.
Nancy
Thank you for this page. We have to put our beloved 7 year old Taz down in the morning, He has stopped eating, and playing, it has been difficult to watch, after several vet visits and tests, we decided more intervention with not a good chance of survival would just traumatize him and prolong it for us. He is bleeding internally and the vet said he does not have a good chance for any other intervention. But your blog helped me feel like I am making the right decision as hard as it is. He has been the best dog ever and we will miss him terribly but we also know he is not happy and is just staying for us. Thank you for helping people like us realize that we are not terrible parents but loving and want whats best for our babies. We have had him since he was 6 weeks old we will miss him. Bless you for bringing some peace to my and my husbands heart.
Kandilina
Kandilina,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are spending the last day with your beloved Taz. And I know some of what you're anticipating and what you'll go through tomorrow. But you're right. Even though it's hard for you, it's the best decision for Taz and will end his suffering. Be kind to yourself afterwards and get through the grief the best you can. I hope you'll consider welcoming another pet into your lives when you're ready. Please don't let the pain of your loss keep you from loving another needy animals someday.
Nancy
i am now at the time that i have to make the decision to put my daisy to sleep. she is about 14 years old and has several health problems but, i'm really struggling to make this final decision. Her quality of life is really poor and i know it's time but something seems so wrong about actually killing her. seven years ago we had to put abby to sleep and it was really sad but now that both my parents have passed I am really struggling with this decision.
Lisa,
I know it's a struggle to put your buddy down, but if Daisy's quality of life is bad and if she is suffering, it's the kindest thing you can do for her. You really should try to focus on what's best for her and not what you want. We all want to keep them with us as long as possible.
Have you talked to your vet about your options? Vets usually won't tell you what to do but they will give you options or their opinion if you ask.
I'm sorry your parents have also passed and that you had to put another pet down previously. I've had to put down 6 dogs and 1 cat in the last 15 years and I know how miserable it is making the decision and following it through.
I hope you make the right choice for Daisy and that you are kind to yourself with whatever your decision is.
Nancy
I have just lost my beloved cat sidney,he was 10 years old and although he was diabetic,it was a tumour that made the awful descision for me to have himput to sleep, i am devastated he was alovely cat and my friend, has anyone got any thoughts on afterlife,my vet has explained that i will see him again,ad that he will always be with me, but it sure doesnt feel like that now, could anyone give me some thoughts, thanking you
I am so sorry that you have lost your beloved cat, Sidney. I know how hard it is to have to make the decision to put down your best buddy and then live without him by your side. It's a lonely feeling and nothing feels right. Our pets are part of our daily routines and for many of us who live alone, our companions and best friends.
I do believe they are still with us, just not as we'd like them to be. My dog, Maddie, died over a year ago. She used to lie next to the shower when I was in it. Sometimes, she'd push against the towel which was folded on the shower step and knock it into the shower. And now that she's gone, sometimes, that towel will fall into the shower. So is Maddie's spirit knocking that towel into the shower to remind me that she's still with me? That's what I believe.
For another view on meeting our pets again, check out my webpage, http://www.spiritremains.com/rainbowbridgetale.html, which tells the story of Rainbow Bridge.
I hope you'll feel better soon and if you don't already have another pet, I hope you'll consider getting one as soon as you're ready. There are so many that need good homes.
Take care,
Nancy
I had my whippet, my sweet boy Timber put to sleep 8 weeks ago this past Wednesday. He was going to be 16 years old. We took him to the vet, and was put to sleep there. I was with him as he passed, telling him I loved him, and to go find his Grandma in heaven she'd be waiting for him.
I'm having a hard time even thinking of going to the vet with my cat now, I'm so afraid his little spirit is there waiting for me and I wouldn't acknowledge him. It sounds stupid... I want to believe his spirit left with us,came home with us or went to meet my Mum ( when she passed 5 years ago the last time she smiled was when we told her about something Timber did - she loved him too ). How can I get myself to believe his spirit is free, and he's going to be with my Mum when I pass? As you can tell I'm still an emotional wreck... I still feel guilty for not being able to find someway to save him, the vet tried everything he could, but still the guilt is overwhelming, I feel like i left him down...
You did not let Timber down. Everything you wrote tells me that you loved him and gave him the best life he could have. But I do understand why you feel that way, because I've been through it many times. None of my pet have died naturally, and I was with each of them when they were put to sleep. You feel like you're betraying them and are their executioner, but you're really doing the most compassionate thing you can do for them, especially if they are suffering or if the quality of their lives is no longer good. Remember all you did for him and don't dwell on the ending as hard as that may be. And spirits are free to go where they want. Timber wouldn't stay at the vet's; he'll be somewhere that his spirit wants to be. And his spirit can probably go many places - he may visit your Mum and he may visit you, too. I believe that my last dog, Maddie, sometimes comes to the bathroom and lies by the shower as she did when she was alive. How else can you explain the way the bathmat falls into the shower sometimes, just as it did when she would knock against it when she was alive? You'll be sad a long time but time will heal and you won't hurt as deeply. Take care of yourself and get another dog when you're ready. There are other dogs like Timber that need a good home like yours.
To Kate who left a comment earlier, I accidentally deleted it and can't repost it. So, I've copied it and put it here.
I just found out my 10 year old dog Shadow has incurable lung cancer. He was fine this morning, took a walk, but then fell off the bed and wouldn't get up. He only has 4 weeks or less to live. It's absolutely killing me to think of losing him. He was there for me at the hardest times of my life. I taught him to give me "hugs" and he would lay on top of me and just wrap his arms around me tightly...ok sounds weird, but it gave both of us comfort..how can i live without him??? he is my 3rd kid and the love of my life.
Kate,
I am so sorry to hear about Shadow's cancer. There are not many silver linings to that kind of news. At least you will be there for him at the end, and knowing that your time together is limited, you can do special things for and with him and make his last days as good as they can be. I lost a dog to cancer, too, and I know some of what you're feeling.
Teaching Shadow to hug you sounds like a very loving gesture which comforted both of you. It doesn't sound odd to those of us who love our pets.
Make Shadow comfortable and keep him with you for as long as he's still got some quality to his life. I think you will know when it's time to let him go. He will no longer want to do the things he used to do and will probably stop eating at some point.
I know you are in for some hard times and tough decisions. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you have been Shadow's best buddy and he's been yours and being there with him at the end is the last special gift you can give him. Take care of yourself and Shadow and your other babies.
For anybody who has lost a pet and is going through grief, thought this article might be of some help, called 'Overcoming The Loss Of A Pet' and can be viewed on TheRealowner.com or URL to it is http://therealowner.com/pets/overcoming-the-loss-of-a-pet/
Hope it helps
Gaddie,
Thanks for the link. Hopefully, it will help someone who is dealing with the loss of a pet.
Just today I had to put my cat Gwendolyn to sleep after eleven years. Two days ago, she was diagnosed with stage four kidney disease. Her appetite was lost just a few days ago and her quality of life or lack thereof followed suit. It was devastating to me. I also have another cat, Tigger with whom Gwendolyn grew up with. They are (were) sisters. Today is a very sad day for me because I truly appreciated her love and her being all the years of her life. She was my little owl and my little peanut. My protector and Tigger's protector. Seems sort of backwards knowing that she was so small but she was a tough cookie and enjoyed the outdoors and explored every aspect of it while always staying close to her home and responding to a familiar call like any pet. If she were a few houses down, she would jump the fence and dive into the house without hesitation. I could always count on her. It was as if she were my dog and not cat. I knew her and she knew me. It was something special that only I guess we would understand. I do believe that she is in a better place and know that I did the right thing. I question my decision but try not to based on what she was going through. Her last couple of days before she left us, she wasn't eating and was hiding and only four pounds. So small but had such a big heart. She will be missed greatly and I know that she is looking over both me and her sister Tigger. We love her to death. Thank you for your thoughts. Your words are encouraging and inspiring to those of us who had to make the decision for our pets. You're right...I wish she would have let go over night at home with me so we wouldn't have to go through the agony of making the heart wrenching life decisions for our pets. I think everything happens for a reason. It may be more difficult to make the decision for them but I do believe it makes us humans stronger to be able to make the difficult decision to say "when".
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for the lovely picture you've painted of Gwendolyn. It does sound like she was a very special protector to you and Tigger. I know you both miss her a lot. And I agree that she is still watching over you now and waiting for you on Rainbow Bridge. Take care of Tigger and yourself, and if it helps, write down some stories about Gwendolyn or make a photo album. Sometimes doing something active to commemorate your buddy's life can be helpful in getting through your grief.
I completely agree. A good resource for coping with the loss of a pet is also the leaflet by the Association Of Private pet death
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